EJECT

2007-06-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

Until recently, I was quite bothered by the practice of becoming a
doctor just for the money. I still believe that it is a privilege to
have that role, and it should be done well or not at all. However, a
person can do the job OK just for the money. Also, it is good for
people to fill needs in the market, and the cost & pay for physician
jobs needs to be able to affect the supply and demand for those jobs in
order to correct prices, supply, and demand towards what is good and
fair.

I still believe that in order to be a truly great doctor, a person must
be working based on love, and work to heal the whole person that is a
patient. If somebody works just for money, or does not believe in the
human soul, they will never be a great healer.

I am getting rather tired of my job. Things have slowed down again.
Good thing it's time to move on soon.
I plan to end work around the week of the 4th, so I have a couple weeks
off.
I plan to travel and visit people during that time -
My list currently includes Kalamazoo, Cincinnati, Columbus, and maybe
Chicago and New York.
Anybody want to go to New York with me for several days? I'll have to
call some dudes up.

2007-06-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

Have any of you ever experienced a really deep silence?

I have on a few occasions, and each time, a sort of rushing sound developed in my head.

I'm not sure if it was noise made by my blood flowing or by gentle air currents, which is normally overwhelmed by other noises. Perhaps it didn't even have a external source - a default signal from my ears or nerves.

I wonder if other people "hear" silence the same way.

2007-05-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

Attended my university's commencement today.

It was a good experience. Nice to spend time with my parents.

It would have been much better if I had more time to chat with the people I know and like who graduated with me.
I guess I can call them up or send a Facebook message or email if I really want to get in one last contact.

We all came home and it was yardwork time. There was some bitterness and dissent. We had a family meeting, which was awkward but beneficial to have, I think.

I am planning to have a party to celebrate my passage into another phase of life - preferably after I know my future medical school.
The only question is, do I invite relatives as well as friends? It would be nice to have them celebrate with me, but that would totally change the party dynamic. There are so many relatives.

I will be looking for assistance in the near future, to help me find a new, bitchin' laptop for medical school.

Role-played recently. An old activity for me, not experienced much lately.
I found it difficult at times to figure out what my character would do and especially what he would say. It's hard to do off the cuff.
It's going well, though. I like the two possible ways he'll end up going in the story. He's doing well posturing, too.

Been playing Warcraft 3, preparing to play on Battlenet. For some reason I am quite excited and maybe even a bit afraid(!?) to play with other people. I have definitely been too concerned with preparing to face real opponents, by practicing against computer ones.

Mainly still trying to figure out where to devote my time: various friends, girlfriend, video games, books, fencing, and so on. So much to do, so little time.
And when I go to medical school, I'll have to be even more selective.

Ah well.
Life is good!

2007-05-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

WHY IS IT SO FREAKING HARD TO CHANGE?

Same old things I want to improve on.

I could have gone to Cedar Point on Saturday, or gone golfing with my dad.
I decided that I'd rather just sleep in and play video games.
This is unrelated to my above comment... I think.

Getting more new thoughts on my discernment, but the lack of prayer, reflection, and meditation is holding back the development and internalization of them.

It looks like a lot of my co-workers are liberal Democrats. This surprises me a bit, since middle-aged, working engineers with a family are generally conservative - or so I thought.
Perhaps they are more conservative when it comes to social policies, and I've only heard their economic and foreign policy thoughts (war on Iraq, socialized healthcare).

I'm pretty in-line with the standard conservative platform. The only exception I can think of is that I am against the death penalty.
Personally, my vote is not swayed much by economic and foreign policy issues, though. I give priority to social and moral issues, because they directly effect the human soul, which is more important and lasting than prosperity and "progress."

2007-05-04T15:26:00.000-07:00

Saw a lot of old friends and brothers at my fraternity's 100th Anniversary.

Good time. Went too quickly to really reconnect with anybody, I felt.

It was also the fanciest event where I wasn't being taken by my parents.
Interesting experience, in that sense.

Kristy & I went to mass at Cleveland's cathedral on Sunday. The music was amazing - it brought tears to my eyes. I really like the old church choral kind of music.

Still exercising a lot - would like to make more of it fencing based.
Still want to pray more.

Met an evangelical "born again" Christian during my work at a Ford plant. We did not agree about some things, but since he didn't really ask me much about what I thought, and I did not interrupt, we didn't argue much at all.
It's nice to meet people who passionately follow my Lord.

Currently listening to: "Stay or Leave" by Dave Matthews

2007-04-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

WOW!!!!

300 was so amazing!

I just want to go stab some dudes with a big 'ol spear!

Get super pissed and yell stuff!

Die in battle!

RRRRAAARGH!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNqiSkd1M6k

2007-04-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

So tired.

I love a deep blue sky... maybe with a little moon in it.

So very tired.

Shall I toil and not seek for rest?

2007-04-19T15:41:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about regrets and hobbies that could have been careers.

If there is anything that I would have rather mastered in pursuit of a career, it is music - composition & performance.
I am pretty enchanted by the idea of being in a band, performing concerts, making music videos...
Seems strange that it wouldn't at least be a serious hobby for me.
Probably influenced by the activities of my family & friends.

I considered athletics also, but decided that I am very happy with the role of sports in my life.

I was given a ludicrously laborious assignment at work today.

Dubious.

2007-04-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

I decided to send a letter of intent to Loyola Chicago's Stritch School of Medicine. I think it would be the best med school for me.

If that doesn't work, Wayne will be good enough.

I finally found some inexpensive port wine. It was pretty good.

I will be less prepared than I'd like for the FE Exam, which I am taking next Saturday. No pressure, though - nothing much at stake here. I think my biggest source of drive is my habitual character of preparing well for tests.

I suppose it's a good thing that I feel compelled to study for tests.

2007-04-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

Part of the Good (Passion) Friday reading grabbed me:

Jesus: "...for this reason I was born, and for this I came into the
world, to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens
to me."
Pilate: "Truth! What is truth?"

It also reminded me of Kristy, who I recently discovered believes in
some relativism.
Sadness.

I've been philosophizing a fair bit lately. Need more exercise,
though.

My lunch on Sunday consisted of chocolate, licorice, and gummy candies.
My teeth still felt weird over 24 hours later.

I think I will put off my visit to Columbus & Cincinatti for a later
weekend (as opposed to this coming weekend), because my friend Dave is
visiting from New York, and it is Jon & Pat's birthday. I'd better
let Kai & Fr. John know. Hehe, Kai, I hope I called you before you
read this.

Oh, crap. I must get some gifts.
I've been thinking about giving cash as a gift more often. Dave has
done it for a long time, and I think it has many excellent qualities.
Not very thoughtful, certainly...
Hopefully procrastination will not make my choice for me.

2007-03-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

Had a philosophical sort of discussion yesterday with Pat. Good stuff; more would be better.

One of the things we considered was things that have intrinsic value.
That is, ultimate ends of a sort - things that are good for their own sake, and make other things valuable.

Scratching truth from that list in retrospect, I am thinking:
Love, because it is willing what is most good;
Justice, because it is to give each their due;
Happiness, because it is always the end of desires;
and Persons, because they are subjects, and a part of their purpose is to exist.

I am least certain about happiness.
I am least satisfied by my understanding of persons.
Offhand, other things I would consider are: truth, wisdom, and freedom.

Any thoughts?

2007-03-24T14:51:00.001-07:00

Discernment continues to move along.

Starting to lean towards Loyola Chicago for medical school.
Might send them a letter of interest or even intent.
It'd be nice if they offered me some money.
Crap, I have to send them financial aid stuff!!!

Been feeling the desire to be active outdoors recently.
This means discgolf, golf, and hopefully some coming-up knife-throwing and tennis. Roller hockey would be freakin' sweet, too.

Fenced on Friday. Piece came off, though I covered it up well. I doubt I'll keep it long.
I really do like fencing.
Still thinking of making a big commitment to doing it regularly & getting on the serious tourney loop.

2007-03-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

Today I am getting hair attached to my head. That is, a transparent patch of polymer with hair attached to it will be taped to my scalp.

I have been very dubious about doing this. I still am, and I kind of regret making the purchase.

At this point, though, I may as well give it a shot.

I am bothered sometimes by my alopecia. Ideally, it should mean nothing to me, because it does not affect me in any truly significant way.

Really, though, I don't think it's a big deal either way. Nothing worth much of a sacrifice over or feeling guilty about spending some money on fixing up.

My dad wants me to do this - he's paying half and encouraging me to try it out.

We'll see how it goes.

Weirdness.

2007-03-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

I got World of Warcraft.

It is super enjoyable.

I am excited to come home and play it every day (keeping in mind that I've only had it for 6 days now).

I am doing OK not letting it take over my life.

Tom was home over the weekend, and we played a lot together. This made it harder to do other things, but it was also a lot of fun and good bonding.

I went to a friends' place for St. Patrick's Day. They are now a wilder group of friends, from elementary school. The Morowsky brothers: the older one is named Nick and was a very close friend in the 5th grade. Alex is his brother, and would often play with us. They and their other friends are all really into WoW (well, not the ladies...). Alex in particular was extremely excited that I play now.

I go the hook-up, yo.

2007-03-12T08:33:00.000-07:00

I went to a driving range with family twice over the weekend.

Maybe I'll do more golfing this summer.

Hmm. So much I'd like to do.

Time will limit me.

Any of you guys golf?

2007-03-10T22:14:00.000-08:00

I experienced some crazy women tonight.

Upon reflection, I am re-resolved to be more loving.

Today and in several of my recent meditations, I have been drawn to develop a new habit. Whenever I meet or deal with people or act on people, I want love to be at the center of my motivation.
I want to meet a stranger and before anything else, think and feel, "I love this person."
I want to face challenges and temptations and opportunities with my first and last consideration being genuine love.

...and when I see a woman break down in front of me and cry, I don't want my first thought to be, "what should I do so that I don't get embarrassed" or "did I do something wrong?" It should be "I love this person. What is best for them? What can I do to help?

I failed to do this today. I don't feel guilty about it - I don't think I was really prepared or ready. I am disappointed in myself though, and more firmly resolved to be a more loving person.

Besides myself perhaps, the only person for whom my first instincts were love was Kristy. She wasn't being crazy, really, but I think it was good that I was there for her.

People have problems and need each other.

2007-03-09T11:49:00.000-08:00

I am considering some dangerous but exciting notions.

My brother Tom brought World of Warcraft home yesterday.
Can I get it without overdoing it?
Ideally, I could use it as an incentive for doing healthy things.

...I have grown weak. No regular exercise in the last few weeks.

Also, the idea of a motorcycle or a street-legal dirtbike persists.
I know it is super dangerous, but perhaps for just a year or two, during medical school.
We'll see how things work out. If I end up in St. Louis and living a ways from campus...
VROOM.

WOW and bikes - amazing.

2007-03-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

I played Smash & a role-playing game with a group of friends yesterday.

Afterwards, I began to realize how much I've missed them.
Good times. I should spend more leisure time with friends rather than entertaining myself alone.

I also finished the first season of 24 today. It was good. I was especially pleased with the ending.

2007-02-27T13:37:00.000-08:00

I did some actual work today!

Before it started, I was very hesitant to stop wasting time browsing the internet.

Now, I am very excited to do my job.

I am learning a lot, and this will be good for solidifying and developing my engineering skills.

Excellent.

Nothing more to do today, though. Guess I'll leave early.

2007-02-23T07:21:00.000-08:00

I have been sick since Wednesday.

I think that I acted too pitifully - I mean, I made things look worse than they actually were.

I suspect part of it was self-deception as well.

My father is extremely tough. His activities do not change much when he falls ill. He even works out to "punish" his sickness.
Of course, he's pretty crazy.
But that means it's all in his head.

I think there's a power in what I called "self-deception" (an unecessarily negative name for it) - a power that can be turned to my benefit. I'll start trying to use it.

Perhaps I'll begin by Getting Pissed!!

2007-02-20T07:59:00.000-08:00

I enjoy the different seasons - which is one reason for liking Michigan. We experience each season in full.

My favorite season is Lent. It starts on Wednesday.

I thought about giving up different things. In particular, I am interested in spending less money, eating less, and wasting less time entertaining myself, alone.

In the end, I decided to do something extra for Lent. I am going to spend at least ten minutes in focused prayer each morning, afternoon, and evening.

I feel like I really need to pray more. I keep losing sight of things that are important to me. Hopefully, as I remind and recommit myself again and again throughout the day, I will be strengthened by focus and grace to live better.

I am also toying with the idea of limiting the amount of time I spend entertaining myself alone. Say, no more than two consecutive hours. Hmm. Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Lent is really my favorite season because of its spirit, rather than its practice.

The Christian faith supports many different approaches to living well - including different spiritual approaches. One of the spiritual practices that brings me particular grace & consolation (typically in the form of contrition followed by peace) is a focus on Christ's passion (His suffering and death).

2007-02-19T13:26:00.000-08:00

Kristy visited last weekend.

We fenced as a team in a couples tournament - an amazing idea; unfortunately, turnout was only 3 teams. Nevertheless, it was fun.
We also had a long lunch with our longtime mentor & fencing coach.

I seem to be falling more in love with her as time goes on.
It is starting to become painful how much I miss her, especially shortly after we separate after a visit.
I have no idea whether that is good or bad or what I should do about it. I am not even certain of that conclusion regarding the feelings I am experiencing.

I know that I am a very emotional person, although I can't be sure how relatively "strong" my emotions are to other people's - just that they affect me powerfully.
I believe that while my emotions led me to crazy/foolish/wild actions as a child, I learned to control/express them very well (relatively well, even) over time.
I need to have faith that the emotions that come with my romantic relationship will not overpower me.
The alternative...

2007-02-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

I emailed a friend today about what's been going on in my life. I realized that I haven't reflected on things at a broad scale in a while.

Combined with my current idle state at work, I decided to post again, and commit to posting about once each week, at least.

Thanks Noah and Kai for sticking with me.

After being out of school for a month, I started volunteering at my old high school, University of Detroit Jesuit, full-time. I was there for about three weeks, prefecting classes and student-teaching. It was pretty good.

Two weeks ago, I was suddenly invited to interview for an engineering job at a company that my uncle works for. I was offered the position last week, and I wasn't sure if I should take it.

I was disappointed in my failure to really pursue an engineering job during my last semester. Also, my parents really wanted me to do what they consider "real" work. Finally, the engineering job will pay much more and challenge me much more. Even so, U of D was a good environment - it offered good opportunities for reading, prayer, learning, exercise, and fellowship, and I was taking many of these opportunities.

In the end, I decided to ask the principal to let me go. She suprised me with a very supportive affirmation. The school really does have a great community.

So, now I am basically waiting to be trained here. Waiting...

Hmm.

Also, I started volunteering in Providence Hospital's emergency room. I expected amazing jobs like using CPR and taking blood and stuff, but instead I serve people food and clean beds, and mostly either talk with patients or do nothing. The staff there are nice enough but completely failed to welcome or include me.

Valentine's day today. Kristy is coming home this weekend; we are planning to play in a double's fencing tournament on saturday. Should be fun!

My parents are buying a new house. My mom is going to move out for her new job, while my dad stays in Livonia. It seems very strange to me. They made an offer, but when the inspector came, he found some collapsing walls(!) so the dealing continues.

Overall, life is good. I just wish I could be more faithful to my intentions and purpose.

2007-01-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

Tom's leg has been hurt badly. He goes into surgery on Thursday.

His knee is messed up - fractured bone and... was it four torn ligaments?

A big nerve in his lower leg is also damaged. He can't flex his foot.

His sports days might be over for good.

He's taking it quite well; Tom is very emotionally tough.
I am a little disappointed. I hoped this would shock him into realizing that it is past time he started a new life - time he "matured" you might say.

As his boss told him, "You're twenty-one years old, Tom. It's time you stopped acting like a dumbass."

Please pray for him, especially on Thursday.
Six-hour surgery.

2007-01-12T19:56:00.000-08:00

Interviewed at U of M today. It went great; I made a conscious effort to be energetic and confident. My first two interviewers were really good, also.

I plan to start fencing again regularly.

I plan to call a bunch of my friends who I haven't spoken to in a while this weekend.

I am excited to do a murder mystery dinner thing with Kristy and a bunch of her friends.

I have been listening a lot to Dragonforce's "Valley of the Damned" from the album of the same title. Good energy for rocking out.

DRAGON HEART Song Lyrics

Valley of the Damned

(From the album "VALLEY OF THE DAMNED")

Part 1
On a cold dark winter night
Hidden by the stormy light
A battle rages for the right
For what will become
In the valley of the damned
A warrior with sword in hand
Travels fast across the land
For freedom he rise
And the sign from the master on high
He screams a loud and across hear the cry
For the kingdom of fire and ice
And the power to be alive

Four strong ride on carry on through the war
Four strong carry on living for ever more

On the wings of death By the hands of doom
By the darkest light
From the darkest moon

Crossing silent seas
Over mountains high
All will stand as one tonight

On the black wind forever
We ride on together
Destroying your evil with freedom my guide
When the master will call us
He stands high before us
Our hearts filled with splendour
Our swords will shine over the light

Valley of the Damned
++++++++++++++++++++
Part 2
In the valley of the damned
Days breaks with golden strand
Over pastures green it glows
To where night returns

On the shadows faces appear
Warriors wearing full metal gear
Join together one and all
Before the glorious light

Rise up gather around come and hear what is said
Use your senses open your mind don't you ever forget

On the wings of life
By the hands of hope
By the brightest light
From the brightest sun
Crossing silent seas
Over mountains high
To the valley of the damned

On the black wind forever...

Solos: Herman/Sam/Herman/Sam/Herman/Sam

On the black wind forever...

2007-01-09T21:47:00.000-08:00

The silent retreat was great. I could say a lot about it... not even sure where to start.

In general, my strategy was less about praying/reading/doing - active spirituality - and more about listening/opening/letting go. It worked well, and I believe that I have been transformed a bit.

I feel closer to God, wiser, and more in touch with who I am and where I am in life.

My thoughts on the change in approach are that as people - and especially for men - we desire to control or dominate things: the world around us, others, and our self. However, in reality we are not really in control, and have very little power to change anything. I still believe that our choices are very real and in our control, but how those choices affect the world and even our selves is very limited. Our best option is to accept our lack of power and make room for God to work in our lives. It is a sort of letting go or dieing that opens us to a new and different life or state of being.

After the retreat, my respect for Eastern mysticism is so much greater than it once was. It once seemed foolish because I thought they teach paradox (they actually use them without necessarily affirming them) and there is belief in contradictions.

What I thought was logical contradiction was really just an attempt to express the mystery of God. I have come to realize that the spiritual nature of reality is in some way inexpressible and mysterious. Even in Christianity, it is dogma that God is one being and at the same time three different beings. A mysterious contradiction.

2007-01-02T11:53:00.000-08:00

Break has been pretty solid so far.

I really should've tried harder to get a job before med school.
I am disappointed in my choices in that regard.

Life has been... pleasurable, though. Mostly sleep, video games, friends, and parties.

It's not very fulfilling, though.
Also, my mom nags me to death and both parents frequently disparage me for my lack of productive activity.

Full-time volunteering starts on the 20th. I will probably do more than 40 hours/week, actually, with my hospital volunteering on top of the U of D High volunteering.

I'm going to apply for jobs anyways.

Today I leave for a week-long silent retreat. It is mainly for my vocational discernment.

I think there is something special and good about silence. I suspect it would be good for everybody to meditate in silence regularly. It develops interior life and knowledge of the self, and if used with prayer, it will also develop one's relationship with God.

2006-12-20T11:27:00.000-08:00

Well, it's done. I guess I'm now a degreed scientist and engineer. Cool!

It was a wild finish. I'm very happy to be done.

So, med school next fall.

Until then....

I really should've tried harder to get a job offer for Spring & Summer.

Maybe I'll apply for a Summer job, depending on when my volunteering ends & med school begins.

Speaking of which, I'll almost definitely be volunteering as a teacher/tutor/hall monitor in the Spring.

I plan to volunteer at a hospital, too. I was accepted as an ER volunteer for last Summer, but had no time to come in.

Besides that, I plan to focus on my discernment and spiritual life in the coming months, while my intellectual development isn't my full-time job. Hopefully I can push myself physically, too.

Oh, and maybe some traveling to visit people!

2006-12-19T15:29:00.000-08:00

How gently you call me, Lord!

2006-12-17T18:18:00.000-08:00

When people see others do things that they do not understand, it seems to me that the most common explanation is that the other person is stupid.

In my own experience, people are generally not dumb -

rather, they are crazy.

2006-12-15T06:27:00.000-08:00

I am going to graduate on time!!

Thank God!!

My advisor promised to give me a grade for my project.

I've just got to work my ass of on it for the remainder of my time here.

401 project is coming along, and taking up all my time.

I am learning so much about computer modeling...

a real lesson in HATE.

Five days left until I am finished with my undergraduate education.

Holy crap.

Afterwards? I really should've tried harder to get job offers. I am feeling very doubtful about the value of the volunteering at my high school that is coming up this Spring.

Well... med school isn't very far away now.

I do like the tune and lyrics for a fair number of rap songs (although I dislike most rap).

I also have found myself enjoying love songs more often this past year. Gee, I wonder why...

For some reason, I have found a greater number of enjoyable, sad love songs, though.

"Haunt You Everyday"
-Weezer

I don't feel the joy
I don't feel the pain
You were just a toy
I am just insane

Walking on my own
Leaving you behind
You were crying out
That you need to speak your mind

[chorus:]
Ohhh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day

I am gonna kill
When I need a thrill
Eating at the heart
Till I've had my fill
When will stupid learn
Fire's gonna burn
Think of consequence
Then you move when its your turn

[chorus:]
Ohhh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day

2006-12-12T18:23:00.000-08:00

Many things going on in my life.

Last week was my hardest ever as a student. As if I wasn't excited to graduate before!!

Excellent Christmas partying on Saturday. I actually ended up talking with my friend/fencing club adviser about Zen & Christianity. Curious, considering I wrote a philosophy paper on it the day before.

Philosophy final went quite well. Easier than I expected.

One more final on Tuesday, the 19th.

Project & presentation for my grad class due next Monday. I am very concerned about that. It looks nearly impossible. I have to work with some big-ass piece of code that has no comments. WTF.

Senior project: massively slowed down because my adviser has been absent. Will he cut me some slack because of that?? We'll see when I meet with him tomorrow evening or on Thursday. I will try and convince him to commit to giving me a grade, possibly conditionally.

Senior speech was yesterday. I think it went pretty well, but I felt like there was so much more I wanted to say, after I stopped.
The brothers seemed quite happy with my gift to the fraternity (a massive sword). Thanks for picking that up, Kristy!

I played DotA for the first time today. Hmm.

Castlevania has been running on my computer occasionally, also.

I've been whistling the tune to "What's the Difference" by Dr. Dre.
I haven't been thinking about the lyrics really at all, except maybe to mutter,
"What's the difference, between me and you?"
after finishing verse or two.

2006-12-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

I've written two philosophy papers since that other one I posted.

I'm not yet satisfied with the second one.

Here's the third. My purpose was to write about, "What does it mean to be a human? What does it mean to be a person?" while including philosophies covered recently in class (e.g. existentialism).

Nick Stephanoff

Philosophy 101

Paper 3

11/20/06

It is common for a decision-maker to consider what is “right” and what is “wrong.” When we use the terms this way, we are typically talking about what should be done. Assuming that some courses of action are better than others, we can understand that it is right to take the best course of action. Further distinction can be made between “good” courses of action, which generate or prevent the loss of value and “bad” courses of action, which cause the loss of value. At this point, value can be understood as nearly anything, according to one’s own philosophy – for a utilitarian, fulfilling the desires of the many; for an Aristotelian, edifying virtue; for an ubermensch, fulfilling one’s own whims, etc. In order to understand what is valuable to our self and to others, we must first understand who we are. By understanding what it means to be a human and an individual, we learn how to treat our self and one another. Firstly, I would like to consider the idea that a living human being is an individual substance of human body and human soul. Following closely, I propose that a person is an individual substance of rational nature. By “nature” I mean an essential nature, in the sense of potency rather than just functionality. As a challenge to my position, I would like to write about the existentialist view on the human person. While the word “existentialism” has evolved to include many meanings, it has the fundamental concept of existence before essence, which strongly contradicts my own philosophy. Either way I know that I am a person, and as a result of this paper I hope to better understand the significance of this to my choices.

Firstly, I will clarify what it means to be a living human being. This is an expansive term, which I will only briefly cover in order to maintain close relevance to my purpose of guiding action (how I should exist). In general, scientists use functionalist criteria to distinguish living substances from nonliving substances. Living things have a purpose (or purposes), which typically expresses itself through the way in which those living substances exist (although it does not necessarily have to be expressed; consider a plant that is poisoned or an animal that is trapped alone in a hole for its entire life). According to scientific classification, we understand human beings as creatures who typically grow into a humanoid form, which has various organs made of cells that carry a recognizable set of genetic molecules. Also, humans can be recognized by their hunger (which they satisfy by eating) their sexual urges (which they satisfy by mating), etc. We know the basic form and function of humans, which allows us to identify them when those attributes are expressed in a substance’s existence. Furthermore, we are familiar with the human mind – sometimes referred to as, or coupled with the human “soul.” By this, I mean to point out the intellectual form humans take, and the rational functions that they tend to express: communication (common to most animals), free will (which many consider unique to humans), innovation, etc.

This rational existence that we understand as a human function is part of a human being’s interior life. A human being can be an acting subject, which makes us special among substances that exist. This part of our essence makes us persons. I propose that a person is an individual substance of a rational nature. Allow me to explain: by “individual” I mean that people are separate substances, essences, and existences (n.b. the difference between “separate” and “independent.” Also, any redundancy here is an accident of covering my bases thoroughly.) By “nature” I mean “essence” – the fundamental whatever-it-is that defines what we are and what we can become. Allow me to emphasize the latter: we are not solely defined by what we are; part of our being is tied to what we can be in the future. Just so, a tree is not essentially a plant with a trunk and branches, because it was once a seed. While a seed, its essence was not different – it has been the same continuous substance, which changed over time into another potential version of itself. Similarly, as people change, they do not become different persons, because their essence is not changing; the expression of their essence changes. You are yourself now, just as you were yourself ten years and ten seconds ago. You did not have the same physical and even intellectual characteristics in the past that you do now, but you know that it has always been you. So you see, we are defined by our essence, which describes our potential; since we are persons, our essence has two definitive qualities: substance and rationality.

I believe that this idea of personhood and essence is true, but I must admit that it is subject to controversy. For example, the existentialist school of thought claims “existence before essence.” Allow me to explain, according my understanding: I will draw largely from Existentialism is Humanism, by Jean-Paul Sartre. He writes, “Man is nothing else but that which he makes of himself. That is the first principle of existentialism.” In his writing, Sartre explains that crafted things come from an idea or process, and thus have an essence before their existence. He goes on to argue that if there is no God, then man is not crafted in such a way, and thus has existence before essence. Aside from the controversy of his atheism, which I evidenced against in my first paper, there are other flaws in Sartre’s argument. For one, Sartre takes his own analogy too far. He correctly understands that by defining us, essence is a limitation (as well as an empowerment!) on personal actuation (becoming and doing what we choose). However, this does not mean that essence must be intelligently guided (although it could be). One might take the logical position that our genetic makeup, which comes to be in a semi-deterministic manner (further consideration of which is off-topic), and certainly not by our own choice, has a role in defining our essence. The idea that we are only what we make of ourselves can not be true, since human persons are quite definitively “made” by their parents. Now, I admit that there is some truth to Sartre’s idea: by our own free will (which we have because of our essence) we make choices that change the way in which we exist (within the definitive confines of our essence). In a very true sense, we change ourselves and we are changed. I maintain, however, that we do not become a new and separate person, but a continuous and different one. Thus, we can judge criminals based on the things that they have done, even if they presently exist in a law-abiding fashion. I must question whether Sartre could come to the same conclusion about law enforcement, based on his definition of what it means to be a human person. If our existence comes before our essence, then we are essentially different when we exist differently, and thus it is illogical to judge a person based on their existentially different past actions, because they are essentially not the same person that they were before.

Indeed, the existentialist idea seems to support many dubious moral conclusions. If we are moral beings only because we have a moral existence, then do we cease to have moral relevance when we sleep? What about when a person becomes unconscious? They may no longer have a rational existence (irrelevant of the coma’s duration). It seems obvious that it is wrong to kill or maim a living human who is suffering from a five-minute coma, but according to existentialist thought, it also seems that they no longer have the essence of a human person. Sartre writes that “…to begin with [man] is nothing. He will not be anything until later, and then he will be what he makes of himself.” When does man cease to be “nothing?” According to Sartre, it is when he “makes himself.” By deduction, the verb “make” requires action, which must be performed by a subject. The implication seems to be that the subject is “making himself” by the actions that he or she chooses. This suggests that Sartre considers human beings to be “nothing” until they can make choices – and that they can choose to remain as nothing (or possibly choose to become worse than nothing!). Logically, “nothing” has no value. I trust that the conscience of you, the reader, shares my own conscience’s objection to treating infants as value-less substances. Many additional objectionable moral conclusions arise, such as punishing criminals without any regard to their possible rehabilitation. Hope for rehabilitation is a result of understanding the human essence that they have – the essence that comes before their existence, and gives them value according to their potential.

In an expansive sense, the philosophy of existentialism seems to say that “human persons can be valuable… but only if they make the right choices.” This is in direct conflict with my own philosophy that all human beings are valuable – GOOD – because they have an essence that is defined not just by who they are, but by who they can become. It is largely understood that human beings are identifiable by their human body and their human mind. I have come to the conclusion that a human person is an individual substance with a rational essence. In the face of existentialist philosophy, which according to Sartre states that existence comes before essence, reason has led me to believe that essence comes first. It is the source of potency for active existence. A man is not just what he makes himself: he is also what can become, through his own choices and anything that might change him – most definitely including the natural processes that bring an infant to maturity! As a result of this, I conclude that it is right and good to acknowledge and respect the personhood of any being who has the possibility of realizing a rational nature.

2006-12-05T22:49:00.000-08:00

Almost there, to a break in the action after Friday night.

I took a final yesterday (actually more like a regular test)... the professor comes in and the TA's start handing out exams. I notice mine seems a little strange... the girl next to me says, "Is this the answer key?"

We ended up doing evaluations and waiting for him to reprint the exams without the answers printed on them.

Wow.

My worst final was today. It was pretty horrible.

Senior project, please finish on time! It will be close!!!

The presentation is this Friday.

Spent some time on break figuring out DotA, a Warcraft III game type.

2006-12-03T22:57:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, I took the shortcut for the first time in... I can't remember (years) this week. Yay! My walk to class is now reduced by almost one minute (of about eight)!
Construction made it unavailable until recently.

Why is it so hard to stay focused on work right now!? What's so different than the rest of the semester, when I was not nearly so compelled to waste time in escapist games and videos?
I have long thought of myself as strong against stress... maybe this is not the case?

2006-12-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

Scrambling to get my work done.

Grades for my senior project are due on the 8th. There's no way I can finish by then.
I'm talking to the guy in charge of the course tomorrow, and probably one of the dean's to see what my options are.

Wanted to play Heroes II or III on my breaks, but I don't own III and I don't know where II is, so I played Dungeon Keeper instead. It is a very cool game.

Last NCAA fencing tournament was Saturday. It went very well and was quite fun, despite me getting 2.9 hours of sleep and getting physically exhausted really easily.

I WANT TO FINISH! LET THE MADNESS END!!

2006-11-29T18:10:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed Cincinnati, where I interviewed on Monday. I stayed with Mike & Martin Treppa. Like my other friends so far, they were very gracious hosts. Also, Mike, Ephraim and I went out on the town a bit Sunday night - mostly for food. Cincinnati seems like a cool city.

The interview went OK. The school seems pretty solid.

Unfortunately, I did not warn my other friend, Fr. John Ferone, that I was coming. So, when I called him up on Monday, he was gone and then called back explaining that he had a previous commitment.
Entirely my bad.

Time to work on projects!!!
But why do I have to keep waiting on help/work from other people!? Argh!

Well, at least that gave me time to finish Honey & Clover. Beautiful series.

Not much fighting, though =(

2006-11-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

Events have been good and bad.

I fenced at Northwestern on Sunday. It was awesome. Even though some Mexican d-bags and a bunch of drunk girls kept our whole team up all night (well, we got a few hours of sleep after I called hotel security on them), I managed to get a great tournament record: 16-7 (0.696).

On the other hand, I am not going to be able to finish my senior project on time. There's no way. I haven't even ordered any of the parts yet, and my advisor is dragging his feet.

Damn it.

I also have a couple other big projects due in about two weeks.

I feel pretty screwed.

Oh, and I did poorly on a recent test that I thought I did well on.

grr.

Ah, well. Other things are going well.

I started working out again.

I'm seeing Kristy and my family soon.

Discernment is coming along, and my spiritual life has been better since I've seen my spiritual director.

I'm looking forward to having more time to devote to my discernment and inner life.

Besides, hopefully I can finish my senior project over the Spring and Summer, coming back to Case only occasionally.
I'll see my advisor about that soon. Hopefully today.

Life goes on. It is good.

2006-11-17T21:23:00.000-08:00

Wow, I finally met with my spiritual director after several months.

It went pretty well. He's not probing enough, but knowing this, I brought stuff up.

I've had a lot on my mind regarding my future and my spiritual life and stuff. It's nice to talk with someone to help organize my ideas and get insights and support.

I'd like to get more of that from my close friends, but they're all far away, and I much prefer to do serious or emotional conversations in person rather than over the phone or internet.

Saw some alumni who came in for AAC. Chatted with Fien, Phil, & Chuck P.

2006-11-16T16:20:00.000-08:00

I've fallen behind on my lifting schedule.

I'll try to get back on track after my fencing tournament.

Also, Tupac is starting to be replaced by Invader Zim.

"Bow down! Bow down -
Before the power of Santa -
or be crushed! Be crushed!
By his jolly boots of doom"
-Invader Zim: The Most Horrible Christmas Ever

2006-11-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

Friday through Tuesday I spent at least half of my time watching videos on my computer.

So unproductive...

I didn't even sleep a good amount.

I greatly enjoyed Heroes and Avatar, though.

But it's now (way past) time to start working. I have two big projects due in about three weeks.
Three weeks! How did I lose so much time!?

Classic procrastination, I guess. It's never easy to work ahead.
The gant chart might've been able to help, if I followed its "deadlines."

Fencing tournament at Northwestern this weekend.

2006-11-12T16:20:00.000-08:00

I just lent Mark my TI-89, and it inspired me to contemplate the calculator.

It is my favorite robotic assistant!
The only close contender would be my computer and my ipod, but both of those devices are FAR less faithful and constant. THEY LACK DISCIPLINE!

If you do any math at algebra or higher level, I give the TI-89 my highest recommendation.
It is durable, portable, easy to use, and very effective. It solves algebraic equations, computes integrals and differentials, graphs, factors... so many things.

It is POWERFUL and super super SWEET.

Maybe I should buy some as gifts...
no, they cost about $100.
Unfortunate

Some people put up lyrics on their blog.

I get a couple lines of lyrics stuck in my head every week,
but they usually have nothing to do with my mood.

For instance, currently I often recall a couple lines of Tupac,

"Grab your glocks when you see Tupac,
Call the cops when you see Tupac..."

"Fuck you and your mother fuckin' momma"

-Tupac Shakur, "Hit 'Em Up"
(Kind of horrible, but something about the way he says those lines - it makes me chuckle.)

2006-11-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

Read some Anthony DeMello recently. He is a Jesuit mystic. Very awesome.

I am going to focus more on the present.
Live in and love the present moment!

"Say goodbye to golden yesterdays- or your heart will never
learn to love the present or be in the presence of God."

"Happiness is not tomorrow. Happiness is now."
-Anthony DeMello, S.J

Distant family, friends, and Kristy - this will cause
me to miss you less, but love you more!

2006-11-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

"Heroes" is an amazing show.
It could use a lot more action and a bit more comedy, though.

Today I was thinking about a brief conversation I had once with a Christian who was pronouncing how their relationship with God is personal, and has nothing to do with the community.

I strongly disagree with this, especially as a Christian. There are two main premises that direct me.

1) Fundamentally, our relationship with God is a choice we make - only one's self can make that choice, and in that sense it is personal. However, the relationship itself, assuming it is a positive one, will be directed towards the will of each member - God and the individual (this is what it means to have a loving relationship - the essence of love is sharing a will for what is good). The primary good that God wills is salvation - not only for the individual, but for all others, too. God desires each person to follow the greatest commandments: you shall love the lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength, and you shall love your neighbor as yourself. A person cannot truly love God (share his will) without loving their neighbor. Thus, the relationships are inter-connected.
Recall the many instructions of Jesus, "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am," and "Sell everything you have, give it to the poor, and then come and follow me." Recall his words to so many whom he meets, "follow me!" Of course, all who truly follow Jesus will also "drink from the cup of which [he drank]." He calls us to make sacrifices for other people. We can not follow Jesus and be alone.
So, any positive relationship with God will force an individual to a life of love within their community. It is mutually exlusive to have a good relationship with God and to be isolated from other people.

2) According to historical evidence and scripture, we know that early Christian communities were formed. About half of the new testament is composed of letters written to edify, correct, and guide the early Christian communities. St. Peter set up and ran the Christian community in Jerusalem just as St. Paul set up many Christian communities all around the Mediterranean. These apostles did not instruct Christian converts to seek their relationship with God alone. Rather, they sent them to the community of believers. They taught them to worship as a community. They taught them to confess their sins to the presbyters. They taught them to worship the mass, a communal sacrament. Indeed, the apostles wholly recognized the Church as the mystical body of Christ. In several of his letters, this is the analogy that St. Paul uses to describe the Church ("the body of Christ"). Furthermore, his actions reveal this communal outlook; recall that many of the epistles describe St. Paul's efforts to gather money from the various Christian communities for the Christian community in Jerusalem. Even though these communities and even the apostles had some disagreements, they acted as a united Church: meeting, discussing, and authoritatively deciding policy, such as whether Christians who are not Jewish Christians should be circumcised and follow certain Mosaic laws.
The apostles taught the first Christians that our relationship with God is not isolated. We cannot love God alone.

2006-11-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

The interview at Georgetown went well... I think.

My interviewer was kind of impassive.

The dean that talked to us was very passionate and philosophical. Her talk fascinated me.

I'm going to start writing thank-you notes for these interviews. I should've been doing it all along.

George hosted me and helped me out very generously. He seems to be doing pretty well, although his lifestyle isn't stable yet.

Well, I'm super behind on my work. Thank GOD my bioelectric phenomena homework was delayed. I would never have finished it on time for today, even staying up all night working hard.

2006-11-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

Kai came in for maze. It was good to see him again. We had some fun eating and maze-ing and Smashing. He helped me out with the Smash seminar, which was fairly well attended. I don't think the attendees learned a lot, though. They didn't seem to pay attention to my strategy tips, and they clearly need to practice the moves I taught them in order to pull any off.

I haven't talked with Kristy now in three days. That's the longest I haven't heard from her in a while. We typically talk every night and read a chapter of the bible - which is awesome. The best lover, in the true sense of the word, will support their beloved in the most important aspects of their lives, and they will share a common sense of good.

I am flying to Washington tomorrow for my Georgetown interview.

I haven't prepared much at all for it. My mom even booked the plane flight for me.

It's all part of my being out of touch. Damn video games.
Eh. It's my fault really. I am too eager to distract myself.

Why? Life is good. Schoolwork isn't that bad. The people around me are great.

I dunno what it is...

Well, I'm going to look to God & Jesus more for strength in the future.
It struck me at mass today that I'm not only His servant, but He has also befriended me.

I think I've been trying to rely on my own strength too much. I am so weak...

Lord, guide me to victory!

2006-11-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

I feel out of touch.

Especially with some old friends who I should keep up with better, and with guys in the house who I should hang out with more.

I lack discipline!

In other news, I am about to run a SSBM seminar. I'm pretty excited for it, although turnout will probably be low.

Here's the curriculum I wrote up:
MOVES
-Control stick: Move
>Dashing, dash-attack, dash-grab
>Directional influence (use when thrown)
>Meshing out
-X&Y: Jump
>double-jump; any time you land or grab an edge, you get your second jump back
>Hit light & fast to hop *
-R&L: block
>Block&(left or right): Roll
>Block&down: Dodge
>Vulnerabilities & counters
-Z or Block&A: Grab
>Damage and button mashing determine length
>A: jab (use with caution in multiplayer melee)
>Control stick: throw (Throw up or down and create combos)
>Chain-grab *
-A: Jab
>Combos or “forever”
-A&Direction: Tilts
>Solid for in-game use, especially against chronic C-stickers
>Timing & distance
>Practice the up-tilt *
-A+Direction or C-stick: Smashes
Can smash behind your character
>Timing & distance!
-B(& Direction): Special moves
>Know what they are, when to use them
>Don’t kill yourself
-A(&Direction) in the air: aerial attacks
>Forward & backward attacks are usually different
>Good for offense, especially w/ hops
>Move while presenting offense (or w/ special moves in the air)

STRATEGIES
-Find a character, learn its strengths and weaknesses
-Learn the moves of every character
-Center-stage fighting
>Learn your opponent; predict his moves (e.g. rolling behind or away)
>Seek & exploit vulnerabilities; minimize your own or feint
>Combos, especially at low damage!
>Counter dodges & rolls with held smashes, counter blocks with grabs
-Edge-guarding
>Get your opponent off the side of the stage or platform; it is a weak position
>Predict or force a return path
>Hit them back out; don’t be afraid to chase, but be careful
>Edge-hogging; face away from edge & hop down
>Meteor smashing, a.k.a. “down the drain” *
-Recovering from off the platform
>Go high & past
>Dodge through
>Hit the edge from below
>Counter-attack (but don’t kill yourself)
>Be sure to use your second jump and your third jump/dodge!
>Recovering from the edge: roll in, attack in, jump in, or release & double-jump in
-Try out edge-guarding and recovering, using these techniques *

*Attendees try it out

2006-10-29T19:52:00.000-08:00

I wrote a philosophy essay, which I was very happy with. Here it is:

Nicholas Stephanoff
PHIL 101
Open thesis essay
10/29/06

Human beings all have desires and urges. Furthermore, all sane men and women have the ability to choose which desires to fulfill and which to deny. We make our choices about this by satisfying our greatest want – that is, what we understand to be the greatest good. In order for people to satisfy their greatest wants in truth (because what people think is best for them and what actually is best for them can be different), they must know what is good (or get lucky). Fortunately, there are ways for us to know what is good. For one, we can use our reason to figure out goodness, as Plato suggests in his work, The Republic. In that section, Plato also scoffs at knowledge gained by the senses, comparing it to shadows cast by a weak substitute for real light. This is foolish, since reason can do nothing without any data to use. We require knowledge of the world and experience in it – along with reason – to know what is good. By this each person chooses for them self what to believe; however, we are not on our own in our search for truth. Indeed, other people are likely to have better experiences and more intelligent, logical reasoning than oneself. It is therefore wise to learn from others about what is good. This is another way we can know what is good – by the authority of others. Furthermore, if there is a God, than this being would be the greatest authority, who surely would know what is good. According to my own experiences and the knowledge gained by my senses, through my faculty of reason, I have determined that love and justice are probably good.
I say “probably” because we can never really prove anything. In order for the word “know” to be useful at all, it must describe what is most probable. Any information gained by the senses has some cause which seems to fit with our understanding of the world, but we can never be sure that our senses aren’t being deceived. Furthermore, while reason is often very certain – especially logic, which is true by definition – even our own deductions are subject to doubt. Even the most basic “knowledge,” such as Descartes’ claim, “I think therefore I am” is subject to doubting the sense of self and the continual possibility of human error. We can never be sure, but evidence that we gather supports one idea or another; therefore, some ideas are more likely to be true than others (since true things can cause evidence for their existence, while false things cannot). There are two evidence paths that I use, which lead to knowing goodness. One is experiencing and thinking about the qualities of goodness. The other is learning from others who probably know.
Certainly, not all people have authority regarding what is good. Since knowledge is a matter of what is probably true, and we know what is true by experience and reason (evidence), then in general those with more wisdom, intelligence, and experience (or knowledge) are more likely to correctly discern what is true than those with less of those faculties. It is vain and foolish to believe that only one’s self has wisdom, intelligence, experience, and the motivation or ability to know what is good. Thus, the conclusions of others on this question should be taken into account as evidence for good as they say and against good that excludes their view. Furthermore, if there is a God, then that being – powerful enough to create the universe – is likely to have the power of knowing what is good. God is the ultimate authority regarding what is good.
The existence of such an authority is therefore important to the discussion of how we know what is good. I will briefly evidence God’s existence in order to use God’s authority as evidence for what is good. There is logical evidence for God based on the nature of our world. For example, if the universe (space and time) was not created, then it does not have a finite beginning, and must have existed for an infinite amount of time. An infinite amount of time can not pass (even at relativistic speeds), therefore the universe was created. In order for time and space to be created, there must have been some cause outside of time and space. This cause is God. Additionally, there are many witnessed and recorded miracles, whose most likely explanation is a supernatural cause. Furthermore, the organization of the world is symptomatic of (and therefore evidences) design, which necessitates a designer (God). Finally, the wise (and less wise) men and women of the past and present overwhelmingly believe in God, which evidences that belief. These all evidence the existence of God, and reveal information about this being. Sometimes, this information includes parts of God’s knowledge about what is good.
In Euthyphro, by Plato, the word “piety” is used. This reflects the practical method of doing what is good by doing God’s will. It makes sense if God wills goodness for all people, since God knows what is good. So, we can begin to understand what is good by understanding God’s laws, which apply to everyone (while the entire will of God can be different for each person). By our own reason and the authority of learned and holy men and women, we can also understand the underlying principles of God’s laws, which direct us to goodness. The two fundamental principles this law evidences are love and justice. Love is to will good for oneself and others. Justice is the condition of each receiving what is due to them. These are satisfying as underlying principles because while a string of “why’s” about goodness may lead to love or justice, the question “why love?” or “why justice?” is answered by the very definitions of the words. By definition if a person is due something, then they should receive it. We also know that what is good should be desired, because what is good is what we want the most. According to God and axiological authorities, love and justice are good principles.
God knows that these are good, but does not necessarily make them good. This is a distinction which troubles Socrates and Euthyphro in Plato’s Euthyphro. One of Socrates’ contentions is that the gods (authorities) disagree about what is good (“pious”). While there are definitely human authorities who would deny that love and justice are good, their collective authority is less weighty as evidence, because there are less of them and they are less wise. Even so, authoritative propositions are worth questioning and understanding when possible. Fortunately, there is further evidence for what is good, which we can figure out ourselves. Two such pieces of evidence are the existence of universal principles in the consciences of people, and the happiness and satisfaction that comes from doing good things. Firstly, a perspectivist analysis of conscience will reveal overwhelming trends towards actions that conform to certain principles – justice and love especially. For instance, honesty, duty, and kindness are social norms in almost every culture. Certainly, individuals and cultures are capable of forming their consciences (and thus eliminating previously held universal principles. Even more common is the choice to act against one’s conscience.) In addition to this evidence, I premise that good things are essentially different from things that are less (or not at all) good. This can manifest itself in noticeable ways. Logically, good deeds should all share symptoms with each other (although the symptoms are not necessarily exclusive to good things). In particular, doing things that are good always leads people to the best end, which is pleasing to the spirit and causes true, satisfied happiness. After all, doing what is good actuates our greatest wants. According to human experience, love and justice lead to happiness. Thus, actions based on these principles are more likely to be good.
Again, we can never be certain, but there is evidence out there for us to gather in order to make the best guess about is good. Without any leads, the possibilities for what is good are very broad; the best place to start is looking to the evidence of authority. If God exists (which is probable), then God definitely knows what is good. There are many holy and wise people who probably know about God and about goodness. We can know about what is good from their lessons. Furthermore, it is wise to check the teachings of authority with our own experiences and reason. In this case, authority claims that love and justice are good. According to reason, these principles are true and reasonable. It is true that people should receive their due (justice) and that the good is worth seeking (love). According to the human experience, love and justice are good things which we instinctively value (by conscience) and we benefit from practicing (because they make us happy). Based on this evidence, I claim to know that justice and love are good.

2006-10-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

I am going to become huge.

Today is day 3 of my "get huge" program.

I am consuming daily glasses of protein shake. They taste... geh. At first they taste OK. Then they have a gross aftertaste. It's generally weird drinking a glass, and I never want to have a second.
Also, they are very filling.

Furthermore, I am getting daily exercise. I planned it as lifting every day, but yesterday I resorted to bodyweight stuff (which still made me sore).

Two days ago, I re-considered my commitment to this program.

Why am I doing this?

I could be doing more productive things with my time.

However, if I'm going to start being productive, I should really give up other things first. At least this is self-improvement of a sort (even if it is extraneously beyond physical health).

Besides, I want to see what it is like to be huge!

Like I said...

TESTOSTERONE

2006-10-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

Lots happened.

Midterms last week. I may pull off my 4.0 after all... much of it rides on the midterm exam I took, which I did well on except for one huge problem. So, my grade on that test depends on how much partial credit the TA gives me. God bless it!

I interviewed at Wash U on Friday! Washington University in Saint Louis is the most difficult medical school to be accepted to - that is, so I heard it said.
The interview went very well. Yea! The school was fairly pimp, but not ridiculously so. The people were friendlier, happier, and more respectful than I expected.

While in Saint Louis, I stayed with Bryan "Tweak" Dillon. His girlfriend Kristin was staying with him. They were very friendly & inviting. I felt so welcome. They practically waited upon me. Also, I beat Tweak in about 14 of 15 games. Hehehe.

Then, I went home and saw my brothers play each other in a lacrosse tournament. It was sweet. Lacrosse is good to watch. I want to play now!! Tom & Joe are both very good at the sport. I spent most of that day with my dad. Nice.

Then, I visited Kristy. That was good. It was sweetest day that weekend. I got her some Irish Cream, because it is delicious, and I wanted to fight the strange phenomenom of me being bothered by her drinking (even though she always drinks very temperately).
She got me a sweet book that I used to own, "The Color of Magic," by Terry Pratchett. I read it later in a period of about 16 hours.
She also finished a very nice rosary for me. A wonderful gift, which also represents a great deal of thought & work.

I am quite disappointed that I didn't visit Vann. I definitely did not manage my plans very well. I feel like I let him down. I will do better in the future!
I was going to stop by, but the night before I pretty much did not sleep, and...
well let's just say that on the way back on Monday (after plenty of sleep), I nodded off for a moment while driving... twice.
Yeah...really terrible.

Back at Case now. I'll post later about the thing I just started, but let's just say that it involves a LOT
OF
TESTOSTERONE!!!

2006-10-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

I had an AMAZING dream while napping today.

I think my most fun dreams often happen during daytime naps.

I wonder if I can arrange to take more of them? Perhaps instead of doing other "leisure" things.

I am concerned about messing myself up, though. Sleep is a tricky thing, which can affect a person in many ways.

A couple highlights include driving a green turtle shell (like, with a golf club) into some creature's head, and defeating an evil knight in a duel...

and that wasn't even the best part.

2006-10-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

So, I had a thought today during senior project presentations.

The whole scientific theory of matter and stuff is really dubious.

I mean, all these particles are supposed to be interacting with one another... without touching (or sending out stuff that reaches other particles, with the exception of light).

For instance, gravity. How does the matter that makes up my body "know" that the earth is pulling them down when I jump? You could "crop" me out of the universe, and the earth wouldn't be there... nor would any waves or particles coming from it.

I guess there's some sort of Einstiein theory about the "fabric" of space-time being warped by things with mass.

That kind of makes sense, that particles interact through their medium of space and time, although it's still weird because it's such a stretch to think of space (like... void) and time as things that move us.

I guess my original problem was thinking of mass interacting through space that is unoccupied.

Makes me re-consider the idealist (only ideas exist) philosophies that I dismissed off-hand.

...

Nah, they're still crazy.

2006-10-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

I've been playing Warcraft 3 lately.
It's not a new game.

It got me thinking that I haven't bought a new computer game in a long time. The last one was probably a Neverwinter Nights expansion two or three years ago.

I am fairly pleased that I can pretty much stay game-entertained by cycling through the ones I already have.

Of course, I must get access to the new Smash when it comes out; I will probably buy that.

Also, I haven't been exercising nearly as much as I used to. After Fall break I plan to do it every day. I wouldn't bet on that happening, but... we'll see. I'll definitely start lifting & running (& trying to learn breakdancing) again.

I wonder if I can find a good partner to encourage me.

2006-10-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

Midterms next week.

Get pissed, Nick!

Gonna see Bryan "Tweak" Dillon next Friday. I'm going to St. Louis for an interview at Wash U.

I briefly but seriously considered missing most of that week for my interview, to give myself more time.

2006-10-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

Great weekend. Saw Kristy for almost two whole days. She ran her school's rennaisance fair, which went very well.

I also interviewed at Wayne State. The interview went OK. The school seemed OK relative to OSU & Loyola.

Lately, I have been experiencing a LOT of inner turmoil about my discernment. I find myself thinking quite often about possible futures as a priest or raising a family. There's so many things about each that attract or repel me. Oftentimes I feel confused about it, and sometimes it aggravates me.
I spoke with my mom about this while she drove me home, and we concluded that I am experiencing this due to my lapse in active discernment and spiritual nourishment. I haven't been praying and meditating as much as I did over the summer. I haven't been really discerning as much. I haven't been meeting with a spiritual director.
Unfortunately, I am very busy this semester, and I don't think I'll really have the time to focus on discernment until after I graduate. Since I really hope to know my vocation in time to accept or turn down medical school offers, it would be great to have it figured out by next April. I hope to buckle down and do some serious discernment after graduation.
Until then, I should really do more than I am now, though. This painful conflict in my heart may be God's way of encouraging me to continue pursuing my purpose.

2006-10-04T00:26:00.000-07:00

FINALLY I did the EBME 401 homework well.

Geez, thank you, God.

Interviews at Loyola went really well. I liked the faculty, staff, and students there.

Great to visit with Shantan and Father Kurtz, also.

Shantan's family is nice. They also have some nice things.

I rode on the back of his motorcycle - first time for me. I kind of want to buy one now. I'd better not drive a motorcycle, or I'm likely to REALLy want to buy one.

Besides, it's a HANDGUN I want for Christmas ; ).

2006-09-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

Too much relaxing (aka "slacking) this semester...

Time to get pissed!

This will be a very busy month, so now's the time to start workin' like a fiend.

It seems to me that there is some sort of balance between relaxing in order to accumulate the energy to work/unwind from said work, and getting into a groove of working (or not working).

2006-09-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

I love Fall weather.

It truly is the best and most beautiful - even before the leaves turn.

I watched the first episode of Initial D today. I just may get into cars. It would certainly fortify a weakness in my armor of manliness.
Then I'll just have to stop making statements like the one above, haha.

2006-09-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

*URK!*

So, my parents are helping me pay for this last semester, for which I have no scholarship.

Basically, it costs about $15k. I will pay $4k, and then either split the rest with my folks, OR if I finish my undergraduate education with ABOVE a 3.50 cumulative GPA, then they will pay the entire remainder.

So, right now I have a 3.46 cGPA, with 128 credits and 443 "points." This semester I am taking 14 credits. If I score 4.o in all of them, then I will finish with a cGPA of 3.51. If I score 3.0 in just one 3.0 credit class, then my cGPA will finish at 3.49(29577).

Tight.

I am VERY concerned about the graduate-level class I am taking, EBME 401: Bioelectric Phenomena. I feel like the class material isn't too bad. In fact, it is similar to EBME 327, which many of the others haven't taken, so I have a slight advantage in that.
Unfortunately, our homework assignments are almost solely based on skills that the professor doesn't teach us. Our first homework was a differential equations problem. Then, we had a Matlab coding problem. Now, we have to write a program in a weird neural program (which I actually used in EBME 327, but I totally hacked it and didn't understand it much at all). These homework assignments are KILLING me. They make up 25% of our final grade...
yikes.

Even if I suck at the homeworks, though, if I ace the tests and the project there is hope.

We shall see after the first test!!

If only there was some way for me to do better on those homeworks...

2006-09-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

First long night of the schoolyear. Up until 5:30am doing homework.

It turned out pretty bad.
:(

So tired.

At least the freshmen chemistry test was a joke for me.

Bah, more homework to do tonight...

2006-09-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

Weeeelll I've been a huge douche-bag the last couple days, doing pretty much zero work when I had a ton to do.

Yesterday I watched Seasons 1 & 2 of The Office. Very funny, but... not what I should've been doing.

Some good news, though - I won my fencing tournament on Saturday! It was an individual tournament, and I had some very close calls. I took first and the current Case Fencing president took second.

Still got it!

I think it helped that I went into it with a nothing-to-lose attitude. Also, I socialized with people to calm my nerves (and because it's nice to be friendly). Oh, and kicking everybody's ass was a key part of my victory. My only regret is not using my "intimidation move" on the little kid I fenced (that's the move where I body check my opponent). bwahaha.

First test of the semester today, in freshmen chemistry. I wonder how much I remember from the two or three times I've studied chemistry already.

I forget things pretty fast. Not much slower than the rate I learn things at school, I suspect. Does my rate of forgetting things increase as I learn more things to forget? If I attend school indefinitely, will my rate of forgetting eventually reach my rate of learning?

I dunno.

2006-09-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

I had my first medical school interview on Wednesday!

For my first interview, it went very well. I think I presented myself decently, and answered all questions satisfactorily.

I can definitely do better. For one, I can be much more well-spoken. I had a lot of non-verbal pauses and even stutters. Also, I need to be more well-prepared for ethical questions; they asked me about six at OSU. Oh, and I should definitely have a good answer for the common question that I didn't have on my list, "What is your greatest success and what is your greatest failure?"

They congratulated me on my MCAT score during the interview!! ^_^

Next up is Loyola Chicago on October 2nd!

Shantan is letting me stay at his place. I also plan on seeing Fr. Kurtz while I am there!

In other news, my class was approved as a tech elective, and I successfully registered for senior project. Yay.

Fencing tournament tomorrow. Yay.

Big pledge class with nifty guys. Yay.

Lots of partying. *sigh*

EBME 401 is soo hard. I thought I was a better student than most of the students here. Why is this so hard for me? I really want to get the grades this semester. I will be trying very hard for it. Even so... ugh.

Diablo with Kristy is working!

Until next time.

Peace.

2006-09-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

First fencing practice of the school year was today.

I am so freakin' pumped!!

Tournament this weekend, also!

Could it be that fencing will finally resume my #1 hobby status, in place of SSBM?

I've kinda wanted it to for a while. It is a lot more physically healthy.

Smash is just so amazing, though.

We'll see...

2006-09-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

OSU interview is coming up!!

Chuck Schmitt has graciously lent me the use of his car.

I am excited and a bit nervous about my first medical school interview.

I am also excited to hang out with Kai. We are each looking forward to smashing against one another.

No doubt he is much more mature and "cool" now that he is a medical school student.
Heh.

My senior project was approved! I'm not really sure what I'm doing, but it's either sensing pressure or stimulating human urethra & sphinter with a catheter. My focus will probably be in the computer/transducer interface. I'll be working with doctors and maybe human subjects & patients, which is sweet.

Yes, that's right. For my senior project I am catheterizing people in their sensitive areas.
Any volunteers? I'm sure I can always use more data.

My current petition for taking EBME 316: Biomaterials in Drug Delivery as a technical elective is still under consideration. Why is D. Wilson taking so long??

2006-09-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

I had a discussion with Steve Lamoreaux and some other folks (including a potential recruit) at dinner today. He was trying to explain why Walmart is bad/evil.

I wasn't convinced, but I am not sure that he is wrong, either.

His main points seemed to be:
1) Walmart treats their employees in an evil manner by not giving them fair pay.
2) Walmart breaks the law, but is not punished because they are too powerful, so politicians and judges do not hold them accountable.

I had a couple reactions to this discussion.

1) The evidence for those points did not convince me, because it was mostly circumstantial. He claimed that Walmart coerces the people and companies around it, which is possible, but not necessarily probable.
2) I am considering the idea that companies are morally neutral, and that the individuals who make corporate decisions are individually morally accountable.
3) I am also considering the idea that responsibility for evil but purely business-oriented corporate decisions is shared by the politicians and people who determine and enforce economic law. In a capitalist society, we expect companies to make profit-driven choices, and thus increase the wealth of all people. In fact, it is encouraged, within the boundaries of some human rights-oriented laws. If Steve's second point was true, this would still make Walmart bad, but there would also be guilt for those responsible for enforcing those laws.

2006-09-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

Arrg.

I am frustrated.

My class was suddenly cancelled, and my first try at replacing it didn't work!

This could be bad...

2006-08-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

Had some internet troubles. Still having them, actually.
Right now I'm connected via the wireless networking card that I got for connecting at my parents' house.
Did my room's summer occupant take the ethernet cable they supposedly left for me? She broke my shelf, too. I have her name. I'll give her a call, and confront her gently.

In other news...
Yes! My parents are helping pay for my Fall semester! I won't have to take out a loan!!
Also, they are offering me a lot more money if I get over a 3.5 cumulative gpa - something I want to do anyways, but now I feel even more motivated.

Get pissed, Nick!!!

2006-08-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

"Goodbies"

Just for a bit, though.

A month or two...

...

2006-08-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

Yestarday I got back from a four-day trip to the Upper Penninnsula of Michigan. My entire immediate family went and we stayed in a cabin owned by my uncles.

It was great. Lots of good family time.

Also, we shot guns, rode a freakin' sweet ATV around, did some crazy successful fishing, played plenty of golf, and did other neat but less noteworthy things.

We even got to see a fairly unremarkable display of the northern lights.

It was good. Now I've got a week to pack up and do the things I want to get in this summer.
So many people I should see...

Only Wayne State left. University of Cincinnatti didn't send me a secondary! =(

2006-08-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

Still playing MoO2 like crazy.

I did a holy hour with my mom yesterday. It actually went by quite fast. Of course, I fell asleep, but not for very long... I think.
I spent most of it reading and meditating on the "Way of the Cross" - mostly about the nature of suffering and its role in God's plan for salvation.
"Take up the cross and follow me."

I went weight lifting yesterday, and met an older man whom I knew. He's gotten so much bigger. I saw him curling 135lbs. That's like lifting a 70lb dumbell with a single hand.
We talked a bit, and he said that the way to really body build requires three things:
1) Nutrition: ideally, eat six meals a day, with lots of protein (did he say 25 grams per day or per meal?)
2) Sleep: he claimed that our muscles heal and grow while we sleep.
3) Exercise: according to him, more than an hour of lifting is over-working.

He said he lifts four days per week. His program must be pretty effective to be that huge.

Either that or he takes steroids.

I feel the desire to live that sort of workout lifestyle.

2006-08-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

You know how I posted about a craving to play Master of Orion II while I was in NYC?

Yeah...

Not sleeping much these days.

On a related note, why do I do the things I resolved not to do, and not do the things I decided to do!?

*sigh*

2006-08-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

I was just cleaning my room, when I discovered an old homework assignment from the hardest class in my life - EBME 308: Signals.

I actually did really well on the homework - 93/96.

Looking it over...

Holy crap I remember almost none of this. Did I ever really understand this stuff? Looks like it, but... geez.

I had the realization that I will never have to use it again. This knowledge is now useless to me.

That's good, I guess, but I still regret forgetting all this stuff. Should I be comforted that I made it through the class, and this is all behind me now?

Perhaps I will see a lasting benefit in my increased problem-solving skills. Oh, and my degree, of course.

I freakin' hate transforms.

2006-08-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm back home!

Great to see the family.

Plenty to get done.

Hmm...
perhaps 5 more hours or so.

2006-08-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

I went with Dave to an Indian restaurant today.
I had some chicken curry in an orange-red sauce, with bread and rice.

It was really good!

I'll have to enjoy Indian food more often.
Perhaps it will help me develop a set of testicles when it comes to spicy foods.

Also, got some good smashing in today and on Saturday. I needed the practice.
Beware, Sigma Nu smashers. The Smash Triumvirate has scattered, but one will be present in the Fall... and he will rape the shit out of you.

2006-07-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

Acquired an interest in chess recently.

It's probably temporary.

The computer keeps beating me.

2006-07-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about being a Jesuit preist. The founder of this order (The Soceity of Jesus) is Saint Ignatius of Loyola. According to him, the most important prayer for a Jesuit is the "Examen." This is a prayerful exercise in which a person recalls the events of their day, contemplating the way that God and their own person moved in their actions and circumstances.

http://www.jesuits.ca/spirituality/examen.html

It's pretty sweet.

As a result of this, I've noticed that so very often, I just do things without really thinking about what I'm doing. Too often, I am not making a conscious choice between right and wrong.

This is a very interesting habit to form -thoughtfully and prayerfully choosing each course of action - which I am attempting to do. "Contemplative action" it is called. I expect that as I master this technique, I will see many benefits.

Reflecting on choices, their results, and my own affections throughout is supposed to help me understand God's call. Ignatius himself discovered his call to the priesthood because his thoughts about battle, glory, and "a certain woman" were enjoyable while they lasted, but left him feeling "dry." On the other hand, after thinking about living humbly like the saints, he was left with an inner peace and consolation.

I look forward to using this technique successfully.

2006-07-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

Just saw "A Beautiful Mind." Good movie.

Hung out with Jon & Dave this weekend. Good to be with friends.
I am not a good host, though - especially not here.

I really need to get back on my med school apps.

Only two weeks left.
A whole two weeks left.

2006-07-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

I've gotta say, these kids I'm teaching have got mad SNEAKER STYLE.

Their shoes are all sneakers, and they are quite flasher. MOREOVER, their sneakers almost always match their outfit! It's crazy!

Things are good. Silent retreat last weekend.

I'm pretty much decided on being a doctor. So, medical school for sure.
Still dunno about priest or married. If priest, med school before or after joining & doing novitiate, etc?

Talked with a teacher today about his military career.
I am very attracted to a few to several years with the military.
I'll talk to a recruiter when I get back.

2006-07-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

I miss video games!!!!

I miss fencing!

Silent retreat this weekend.

Dave, I want to Smash with you afterwards.

Noah, when you come to town... let's also get Smashed.
Also, bring home a sword from Europe to fight me with.

Or, more realistically, throwing knives - but not for fighting me.

2006-07-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

Things are moving along.

Work has started. I haven't done much of the tutoring I expected to do, but what I have done has gone quite well.
I've been doing a bit of actual teaching (of a class), which I'm still fairly nervous about. Some of those classes were extremely hard to control. Possible contributors to this phenomena were: last class of the day, big rowdy class, my initial attempt to form a more friend-like relationship with them, lack of experience, lack of planning.

I've been sleeping too much. It's way too easy to come home & sleep after lunch, not waking up until mass or later. Yesterday I took a 6-hour "nap."

Medical school stuff is coming along. It's a lot of work. Once my friggin' advisor writes his letter for me, I can really start packing that stuff away.

Life is good.

I miss my friends & family. I miss Kristy. We're talking almost every day now, and including some scripture reading in our conversation. We're going to read some books together, also. Right now we've got "How to talk so kids will listen & how to listen so kids will talk" and "Love and Responsibility" lined up.

The other 6-week guy I work with is a very good person. He impresses me in some ways. He does good work.
However, his mannerisms and personality annoy me. I don't think we will become friends.

I've been reading other blogs fairly often. Noah's has been pretty amazing - he is travelling about Europe. That boy needs to learn how to spell, though. I also read Kai's, Jon's & Kristy's.

I'm praying for all y'all.

Peace.

2006-07-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

Hello, everybody.

I'm in NYC now (until August 6). I like the city. It would be better than the Detroit area, except that it is missing discgolf courses and more importantly my friends & family.

I'm in a Jesuit residence. I've got an air-conditioned room. It's quite satisfactory.
The community is nice. It consists of 22 long-time residents and 5-10 transient visitors. The vast majority of Jesuits I have met are funny, smart, nice old men. They tend to be liberal. Good company. Too old to become close friends, though. They just don't/can't do a lot of the things I'm interested in.

Of course, if I joined, I'd probably make friends my own age... such as the six other guys in the program (well, one is over thirty, but the rest are about my age). They are nice, smart, generally kind funny. One is athletic. We played some basketball and it was fun. The one guy was much better than the rest of us. I was 2nd best by far, which says a lot.

The food is really good. That must be pretty standard for Jesuit life.

The formation sounds really sweet.
-2 years Novitiate (task: be holy. studies on the Society & various other things. short apostolic experiences, such as teaching, parish work, ministry in soup kitchen, etc.). ends w/ first vows.
-2 years scholastic (philosophy studies. get a degree in this. maybe other degrees.)
-2 years regency (I think...starts to blend together in my memory here. these are long apostolic experiences - about 6-12 months instead of 2-3.)
-2 years theology studies (get a degree)
-2 more years regency, I think? (Including an experience where you must "depend very much on God." At some point in formation most Jesuits do a pilgrimage over land w/ no money - basically the walk & beg & such. OR they are sent to do ministry in a foreign country, where they don't know the language and it is very poor.)
-Ordination as a priest about 10 years after joining. Take vows again.
-Sometime later do "tertianship." This is another apostolic experience; another one to depend on God, maybe? Take final vows after this. Usually finished about 3-7+ years after ordination.

I've been having a lot of thoughts about my discernment lately. It's definitely... going somewhere. I'll post more on this later.

I am praying for you all! Please pray for me, too!

P.S. going to mass daily is freakin' awesome!

2006-06-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Kristy and I for our 1-year anniversary! It's been a great relationship. The distance has been hard, but it is worth it. I've learned a lot from her, and there's so much potential.

We crafted some stuff for one another. I love it.

Primary medical school application has been processed! I'll start getting and doing secondaries soon-ish. I applied to:
MSU
U of M
Wayne
OSU
U of Cincinnatti
Loyola Chicago
Northwestern
SLU
Wash U
Creighton
Georgetown
New York School of Medicine

We'll see how that turns out. My criteria are:
location (close to home)
rank of the program
prestige of the university
catholic/religious education
facilities, labs, etc.
curriculum
fencing opportunities in the area
other things to do in the area (family & friends nearby, big city, discgolf courses nearby...)
(cost/scholarships offered, unless I decide to do HPSP and let the military pay for my education)

So yeah... I don't know enough about any of those schools to even have a top pick at this point.

I'll look into them mostly in the interview, I guess. Maybe I'll look up more if their secondary application is really nasty, in the hopes of eliminating them as a choice.

Leaving for New York soon! Don't let me go without seeing you, if you're in town!

2006-06-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I don't use the internet as much when I'm home?

Things are going well. I turned in my primary medical school application on Sunday (yea!). I am doing some clinical volunteering - it's pretty... lame. I am working part-time at a manual labor job. I was accepted to the Alumni Volunteer Program (assist/teach at my old high school) for Spring 2007. I was accepted to the 6-weeks a Jesuit program in Manhattan.

Yuup. Seeing old friends and spending time with my family & with Kristy. Very nice.

Need to nurture myself better spiritually, though. I'm slackin' off in that category.

Went to Vann's graduation last weekend. It's interesting to see my old friends make their futures.

2006-05-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

So, for a design project in the class that I did so horribly in today (electronics), a partner and I had to build a radio receiver and transmitter. Our work was OK, although definitely incomplete. A quote from our results section:
"Because of our problems here, we could not answer some of the questions in this section of the lab, or in the “measuring the approximate bandwidth and threshold sensitivity of the receiver” section. We attempted rebuilding circuit 6; however, we again got no output, either from the antenna or from the function generator."

We wrote 33 pages together.

Our score: 10/10. For 10% of our grade.
Sweet.

With that final though...doesn't make a difference.

2006-05-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

So, despite finally being done with school for the time being, I definitely felt pretty down after my test today. It went so terribly. I'll be lucky if I didn't score a 50% and get a "C" in the class.

It really bothers me, because I tried so hard this semester, and I really did so well - yet, my gpa is going to be about the worst I've ever had.
Everything just fell apart. Bah.

Ah, well... I feel better now that it's a little later. I know that I worked hard. I trust in Jesus.

Also, two hours of Smash has soothed me greatly.

Going home will be good, too! I definitely want to see Kristy tonight, although I'm getting back much later than expected.
I do regret missing out on senior week & spending time with my friends who are leaving, somewhat.

2006-05-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

The weather today is just perfect. The sky is blue; there is not a cloud in sight. The temperature is slightly cool and when you stand in the sun, you can really appreciate its soft warmth. The breeze is just slight. The birds are chirping and the bees are buzzing.
How....inappropriate.

To use Kai's imagery, my tests are sprouting tentacles and sodomizing me.

Please help.

2006-05-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

The first Naruto movie is so good...

I cry every time I see it!

Been studying (not enough, though!).
Also, played ultimate frisbee a fair bit. I need to get more aggressive and better at predicting flight paths in order to improve at that game.

I just want to be done with school!!

Went to confession today - finally! It's been way too long. Ah, it feels good...

2006-05-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I ended up asking my Bioelectric Engineering professor to count my final double, giving me a shot at an "A." He said that if I score a high "A" on the final (95%+), then he'll give me an "A" in the class.

I was half-hoping he'd say no, so I could just take the "B." I think God wants me to strive for excellence, though. Apparently, my professor does, too!
Do I?
Well, I don't "feel" like it sometimes, but in my heart & my head, I do!

On another note, something happened: I am no longer the Case Fencing Club president. Fencing here has been a big commitment for me. I regret not doing a better job; I almost wanted to have leadership longer. I do want to see our club become great - I want to make it great!
I had my chance, though. I was president for two years, and VP the year before that.
The new leadership is looking good. We've got an older guy as president, and a score of Freshmen stepping up.
In particular, there's a new guy who's a great fencer and really intense about improving the club.
The elections went well, too. The positions were fairly contested, and we had a decent turnout - about 13.

Also, senior speeches were last night. They went really long. In general, I wasn't impressed. There just wasn't much in the way of content, for most of them. The overuse of alcohol probably contributed to this. You'd think that might increase the humor, but the guys in this fraternity are funniest when they're thinking clearly. The hilarity was... moderate.

2006-04-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

Regarding an optional final: I have a "B," which I can settle with. Or, I can take the final - if I score 100% I get an "A" but if I score less than 54% I get a "C." I'm thinking about asking him to count my final double, so a 96% will get me an "A" (and 70% for "C"). Copied below is the correspondence so far, with my latest reply saved as a draft (not sent!).

I don't have all the details about the final exam, but it's scheduled for Tuesday (May 9th) 8:30-11:30am.
I have two exams the day before and one the day after.

If I study hard and get lucky, or if God wills it, I can score above 95%. My test scores so far have been in the 80-89 range in that class.

Any thoughts?

-------

(To Dr. Ken Gustafson)

Ah, darn... I was tempted not to ask; that's the grade I earned so far, though!

Hmm... so by my calculations I need a 104% on the final exam to get an "A."

What do you think about giving me some positive incentive to take the final exam? Perhaps something a little less difficult than 100% for an "A?" If my exam were worth double, a 95% on the test would give me an 89.9 in the course.

-Nick

----- Original Message -----From: "Kenneth J. Gustafson" <Kenneth.Gustafson@case.edu>Date: Saturday, April 29, 2006 3:41 pm
Subject: Re: EBME 327> Nick,> >
I'm sorry about that; I made a typo. 86.5 is a B.
If you don't > take the > final, you'll have a B.>
> I apologize for the confusion, I must have added up too many > numbers today....>
> Ken> >

> At 02:14 PM 4/29/2006, you wrote:> >
>Dr. Gustafson,> >>
> Can you double-check my grade? Your email confuses me, > because it> >says that >90 yields and "A," but it also says that I have an > 86.5 and> >an "A."
Perhaps I don't understand how your curve applies.> >>
> So... do I have an "A" right now? What will my grade be if I > don't>take the final?> >> >Thanks,> >
> >Nick> >> >

----- Original Message -----> >From: "Kenneth J. Gustafson" <Kenneth.Gustafson@case.edu>> >Date: Saturday, April 29, 2006 1:25 pm>
>Subject: EBME 327> > >
Your current grade (curved up) is 86.5 = A> >
> Grades are based on a straight scale: >90=A, <90>80, etc.> > >
> > > The final exam is worth 20% of your grade, therefore you will need> > > to score> > > 100% on the final exam to obtain an A in the course, and 54% to> > > obtain a B.> > >>
> > You may choose to accept your current grade and not take the> > > final, or take> > > the final.> > >>
> > You must let me know your decision by 5 pm Wed. May 3.
----------------

2006-04-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

I'm totally missing out on the most amazing conversation right now. Rather than talking about killing zombies, I am doing fencing club stuff. :(

2006-04-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

I keep expecting to get a break, but it turns out I have work to do every time.

Ah, well. This summer will be a nice break.
It will, darn it!

I talked to a friend the other night about some problems he was having, and I came to the conclusion that the issue was mainly lack of discipline - he's struggling with a discrepancy between what he WANTS to do and what he IS doing. I tried to advise him about it, but I just didn't have much to offer.

This is such an important part of living well; there's gotta be some good techniques/books about it. How do you do the things you want to?

Of course, I also advised him that it's impossible for people to be perfect by their own power. By myself, I know that I just can not do what's best (which is what I want to do) every time I have a choice. I will never be that strong.
BUT, that's where grace comes in. "For men it is impossible, but for God..."

2006-04-24T13:40:00.000-07:00

I like my job. A lot of it is doing electrical work, which is very wholesome and manly.

I may have an interview with Autoliv when I get back.

I am also considering working part-time with my brother Tom at a nursery (for plants, foo'). He has some pretty good stories from there. Apparently he works with a lot of Mexicans, and they have given him a few sweet nicknames. The most amazing one, in my opinion, is "El Castigador," which means, "The Punisher." In a moment of doubt, I suspected that it actually might mean "The Chewer" or something (castigate? eh?), since Tom wants to be country-style, and chews tobacco (foolish!).
Turns out it really does mean "The Punisher." I am almost never envious, but this gets me close...

2006-04-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

All right!!

Midterms are finished. I have my two project reports & presentations now.

I was called about interviewing for a job at Autoliv in Detroit. Very cool. I need to do something about finding clinical work (volunteering)!

Bringing my discs to class. Gonna chuck 'em afterwards. The weather has been beautiful.
I am definitely up for some disc golf this summer!
I learned over Easter weekend that my little brother Joe and his friends are getting into the sport.

2006-04-17T17:42:00.000-07:00

WTF I THOUGHT THOSE TESTS WERE NEXT WEEK!?!?!?!

Jesus, I trust in you!

Was this your gift to me, or my mistake? Maybe both...

ugh.
heh.

2006-04-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

Looked up my birthday (September 29th) on Wikipedia. Some things that caught my eye:

EVENTS
1789 - The U.S. War Department first establishes regular army with a strength of several hundred men.
1789 - The first U.S. Congress adjourns.
(USA! USA!)

1963 - The second period of the Second Vatican Council opens.
(Vatican II was sweet)

1996 - Super Mario 64, a revolutionary platformer game for the Nintendo 64, is released in the United States.
(=D)

BIRTHS
2 BC - Jesus of Nazareth born in Bethlehem of Judea. (Luke 2:1-7)
(HECK YEAH!!! Why does Wikipedia list 9/29 as Jesus' birthday? I don't know, but...wow! Amazing!)
1901 - Enrico Fermi, Italian physicist, Nobel Prize laureate (d. 1954)
(My dad worked at the Enrico Fermi plant in Michigan)

DEATHS
2001 - Nguyen Van Thieu, President of South Vietnam (b. 1923)
(I learned about this guy when I wrote a paper on the Vietnam War)

2006-04-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

Greek Week has ended. We did well. What happened in rope pull, though?

I suppose I can get working on those applications, and the tests I have coming up and my big modeling project.

What I REALLY want to do though, is dive back into my spiritual development and exercise. I've lost too much touch with the most important aspect of my life.

2006-04-07T21:11:00.000-07:00

My days are going fast. My week went fast. College is going fast.

You know what? My LIFE is going fast.

I suppose it won't feel like a long time until life has gone fast.

huh.

2006-04-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

Within the last semester, my mother has really gotten into the pro-life movement. Specifically, she now volunteers at a pregnancy crisis center, and also does sidewalk counseling outside an abortion... hmm... should I call it a "clinic?" A clinic is "A private hospital or medical institution to which patients are recommended by individual doctors" [1]. I doubt that pregnancy really counts as a medical disorder. Anyways, continuing with the story...

She sees a lot of sad things there. So many of the people that come by are upset, confused, desparate and despairing. They need help, and apparently they don't get it in that place, because when they leave...
Well, my mom's there to help them - and their unborn child!

It's a hard service, though. When I went home over break, I could tell that she wanted to talk about it - to express the strong feelings she was having in this ministry. My father and brother don't want to hear it, so she and I discussed it at length.
Since I knew that I would return to college, I recommended she write a journal. My mom decided to do it online, so now she's got a blog, too!
Here it is.
Take a look. She writes pretty well.

Whether you're pro-life or not, I think there's respect due. There are a lot of people that believe in important causes, but don't take action. It's usually hard to do what's right.

[1] Online OED

2006-04-03T12:45:00.000-07:00

APPLICATIONS.... BAH!

Lots of applications on my plate.
FAFSA
Case Financial aid
Alumni Volunteer Corps
6 Weeks a Jesuit Program
Medical School!!!
Society of Jesus
Clinical volunteering
Summer part-time job

I just started looking into how I'm going to pay for my education next semester. It's just one measly semester of undergraduate education, but my scholarship's run out & my parents have paid enough - they're done. I'm looking at about $20k for the one semester. I'll need loans.

The Alumni Volunteer Corps (AVC) is a program at my high school (U of D), where alumni come back and teach, help with sports programs & exctracurriculars, etc. The school provides room and a stipend. I would like to do this Spring 2007, because it's a good thing to do, and it'll give me experience working in education.

I think I've mentioned the 6 Weeks a Jesuit Program. This summer, I plan to live in a Jesuit community about mid-June to early August. It's somewhere in NYC.

Medical school applications... oi. That'll last from Summer through Spring 2007. The earlier I get things done, the better!

If I decide to become a priest, I'll probably join the religious order known as "The Society of Jesus" aka the "Jesuits." To start novitiate in Fall 2007, my application has to be ready at the end of Spring 2007. It's big and includes a spiritual autobiography. I should start that early.

Then, there's my job for summer when I'm home. I really want to do clinical volunteering for my personal discernment, and also because it plays a key role in a good medical school application. My parents (especially my mom) want me to make some money, too - thus, the part-time job.

2006-03-31T14:52:00.000-08:00

I suspect that intelligent and well-educated people are more likely to be foolish and blind. I would like to develop this idea more.

Perhaps people like myself, with overdeveloped minds and habitual emphasis on reason and thought, often grow out of touch with our hearts. By this I mean that we lose our common sense and our confidence in the natural laws that most people intuitively know.
There are some verses in scripture and some lines by theologians such as Thomas Aquinas and Thomas a Kempis which seem to suggest this development.

Perhaps as a person tries to construct his personal philosophies by rationale, he ends up rationalizing the tenets that he feels should be true. Thus, the intellectual has a seemingly strong case for what is false; the error is buried deep in the foundation.