Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Well, it's done. I guess I'm now a degreed scientist and engineer. Cool!

It was a wild finish. I'm very happy to be done.

So, med school next fall.

Until then....

I really should've tried harder to get a job offer for Spring & Summer.

Maybe I'll apply for a Summer job, depending on when my volunteering ends & med school begins.

Speaking of which, I'll almost definitely be volunteering as a teacher/tutor/hall monitor in the Spring.

I plan to volunteer at a hospital, too. I was accepted as an ER volunteer for last Summer, but had no time to come in.

Besides that, I plan to focus on my discernment and spiritual life in the coming months, while my intellectual development isn't my full-time job. Hopefully I can push myself physically, too.

Oh, and maybe some traveling to visit people!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

How gently you call me, Lord!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

When people see others do things that they do not understand, it seems to me that the most common explanation is that the other person is stupid.

In my own experience, people are generally not dumb -

rather, they are crazy.

Friday, December 15, 2006

I am going to graduate on time!!

Thank God!!

My advisor promised to give me a grade for my project.

I've just got to work my ass of on it for the remainder of my time here.


401 project is coming along, and taking up all my time.

I am learning so much about computer modeling...

a real lesson in HATE.



Five days left until I am finished with my undergraduate education.

Holy crap.


Afterwards? I really should've tried harder to get job offers. I am feeling very doubtful about the value of the volunteering at my high school that is coming up this Spring.

Well... med school isn't very far away now.


I do like the tune and lyrics for a fair number of rap songs (although I dislike most rap).

I also have found myself enjoying love songs more often this past year. Gee, I wonder why...

For some reason, I have found a greater number of enjoyable, sad love songs, though.

"Haunt You Everyday"
-Weezer

I don't feel the joy
I don't feel the pain
You were just a toy
I am just insane

Walking on my own
Leaving you behind
You were crying out
That you need to speak your mind

[chorus:]
Ohhh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day

I am gonna kill
When I need a thrill
Eating at the heart
Till I've had my fill
When will stupid learn
Fire's gonna burn
Think of consequence
Then you move when its your turn

[chorus:]
Ohhh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Many things going on in my life.

Last week was my hardest ever as a student. As if I wasn't excited to graduate before!!

Excellent Christmas partying on Saturday. I actually ended up talking with my friend/fencing club adviser about Zen & Christianity. Curious, considering I wrote a philosophy paper on it the day before.

Philosophy final went quite well. Easier than I expected.

One more final on Tuesday, the 19th.

Project & presentation for my grad class due next Monday. I am very concerned about that. It looks nearly impossible. I have to work with some big-ass piece of code that has no comments. WTF.

Senior project: massively slowed down because my adviser has been absent. Will he cut me some slack because of that?? We'll see when I meet with him tomorrow evening or on Thursday. I will try and convince him to commit to giving me a grade, possibly conditionally.

Senior speech was yesterday. I think it went pretty well, but I felt like there was so much more I wanted to say, after I stopped.
The brothers seemed quite happy with my gift to the fraternity (a massive sword). Thanks for picking that up, Kristy!

I played DotA for the first time today. Hmm.

Castlevania has been running on my computer occasionally, also.


I've been whistling the tune to "What's the Difference" by Dr. Dre.
I haven't been thinking about the lyrics really at all, except maybe to mutter,
"What's the difference, between me and you?"
after finishing verse or two.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I've written two philosophy papers since that other one I posted.

I'm not yet satisfied with the second one.

Here's the third. My purpose was to write about, "What does it mean to be a human? What does it mean to be a person?" while including philosophies covered recently in class (e.g. existentialism).


Nick Stephanoff

Philosophy 101

Paper 3

11/20/06

It is common for a decision-maker to consider what is “right” and what is “wrong.” When we use the terms this way, we are typically talking about what should be done. Assuming that some courses of action are better than others, we can understand that it is right to take the best course of action. Further distinction can be made between “good” courses of action, which generate or prevent the loss of value and “bad” courses of action, which cause the loss of value. At this point, value can be understood as nearly anything, according to one’s own philosophy – for a utilitarian, fulfilling the desires of the many; for an Aristotelian, edifying virtue; for an ubermensch, fulfilling one’s own whims, etc. In order to understand what is valuable to our self and to others, we must first understand who we are. By understanding what it means to be a human and an individual, we learn how to treat our self and one another. Firstly, I would like to consider the idea that a living human being is an individual substance of human body and human soul. Following closely, I propose that a person is an individual substance of rational nature. By “nature” I mean an essential nature, in the sense of potency rather than just functionality. As a challenge to my position, I would like to write about the existentialist view on the human person. While the word “existentialism” has evolved to include many meanings, it has the fundamental concept of existence before essence, which strongly contradicts my own philosophy. Either way I know that I am a person, and as a result of this paper I hope to better understand the significance of this to my choices.

Firstly, I will clarify what it means to be a living human being. This is an expansive term, which I will only briefly cover in order to maintain close relevance to my purpose of guiding action (how I should exist). In general, scientists use functionalist criteria to distinguish living substances from nonliving substances. Living things have a purpose (or purposes), which typically expresses itself through the way in which those living substances exist (although it does not necessarily have to be expressed; consider a plant that is poisoned or an animal that is trapped alone in a hole for its entire life). According to scientific classification, we understand human beings as creatures who typically grow into a humanoid form, which has various organs made of cells that carry a recognizable set of genetic molecules. Also, humans can be recognized by their hunger (which they satisfy by eating) their sexual urges (which they satisfy by mating), etc. We know the basic form and function of humans, which allows us to identify them when those attributes are expressed in a substance’s existence. Furthermore, we are familiar with the human mind – sometimes referred to as, or coupled with the human “soul.” By this, I mean to point out the intellectual form humans take, and the rational functions that they tend to express: communication (common to most animals), free will (which many consider unique to humans), innovation, etc.

This rational existence that we understand as a human function is part of a human being’s interior life. A human being can be an acting subject, which makes us special among substances that exist. This part of our essence makes us persons. I propose that a person is an individual substance of a rational nature. Allow me to explain: by “individual” I mean that people are separate substances, essences, and existences (n.b. the difference between “separate” and “independent.” Also, any redundancy here is an accident of covering my bases thoroughly.) By “nature” I mean “essence” – the fundamental whatever-it-is that defines what we are and what we can become. Allow me to emphasize the latter: we are not solely defined by what we are; part of our being is tied to what we can be in the future. Just so, a tree is not essentially a plant with a trunk and branches, because it was once a seed. While a seed, its essence was not different – it has been the same continuous substance, which changed over time into another potential version of itself. Similarly, as people change, they do not become different persons, because their essence is not changing; the expression of their essence changes. You are yourself now, just as you were yourself ten years and ten seconds ago. You did not have the same physical and even intellectual characteristics in the past that you do now, but you know that it has always been you. So you see, we are defined by our essence, which describes our potential; since we are persons, our essence has two definitive qualities: substance and rationality.

I believe that this idea of personhood and essence is true, but I must admit that it is subject to controversy. For example, the existentialist school of thought claims “existence before essence.” Allow me to explain, according my understanding: I will draw largely from Existentialism is Humanism, by Jean-Paul Sartre. He writes, “Man is nothing else but that which he makes of himself. That is the first principle of existentialism.” In his writing, Sartre explains that crafted things come from an idea or process, and thus have an essence before their existence. He goes on to argue that if there is no God, then man is not crafted in such a way, and thus has existence before essence. Aside from the controversy of his atheism, which I evidenced against in my first paper, there are other flaws in Sartre’s argument. For one, Sartre takes his own analogy too far. He correctly understands that by defining us, essence is a limitation (as well as an empowerment!) on personal actuation (becoming and doing what we choose). However, this does not mean that essence must be intelligently guided (although it could be). One might take the logical position that our genetic makeup, which comes to be in a semi-deterministic manner (further consideration of which is off-topic), and certainly not by our own choice, has a role in defining our essence. The idea that we are only what we make of ourselves can not be true, since human persons are quite definitively “made” by their parents. Now, I admit that there is some truth to Sartre’s idea: by our own free will (which we have because of our essence) we make choices that change the way in which we exist (within the definitive confines of our essence). In a very true sense, we change ourselves and we are changed. I maintain, however, that we do not become a new and separate person, but a continuous and different one. Thus, we can judge criminals based on the things that they have done, even if they presently exist in a law-abiding fashion. I must question whether Sartre could come to the same conclusion about law enforcement, based on his definition of what it means to be a human person. If our existence comes before our essence, then we are essentially different when we exist differently, and thus it is illogical to judge a person based on their existentially different past actions, because they are essentially not the same person that they were before.

Indeed, the existentialist idea seems to support many dubious moral conclusions. If we are moral beings only because we have a moral existence, then do we cease to have moral relevance when we sleep? What about when a person becomes unconscious? They may no longer have a rational existence (irrelevant of the coma’s duration). It seems obvious that it is wrong to kill or maim a living human who is suffering from a five-minute coma, but according to existentialist thought, it also seems that they no longer have the essence of a human person. Sartre writes that “…to begin with [man] is nothing. He will not be anything until later, and then he will be what he makes of himself.” When does man cease to be “nothing?” According to Sartre, it is when he “makes himself.” By deduction, the verb “make” requires action, which must be performed by a subject. The implication seems to be that the subject is “making himself” by the actions that he or she chooses. This suggests that Sartre considers human beings to be “nothing” until they can make choices – and that they can choose to remain as nothing (or possibly choose to become worse than nothing!). Logically, “nothing” has no value. I trust that the conscience of you, the reader, shares my own conscience’s objection to treating infants as value-less substances. Many additional objectionable moral conclusions arise, such as punishing criminals without any regard to their possible rehabilitation. Hope for rehabilitation is a result of understanding the human essence that they have – the essence that comes before their existence, and gives them value according to their potential.

In an expansive sense, the philosophy of existentialism seems to say that “human persons can be valuable… but only if they make the right choices.” This is in direct conflict with my own philosophy that all human beings are valuable – GOOD – because they have an essence that is defined not just by who they are, but by who they can become. It is largely understood that human beings are identifiable by their human body and their human mind. I have come to the conclusion that a human person is an individual substance with a rational essence. In the face of existentialist philosophy, which according to Sartre states that existence comes before essence, reason has led me to believe that essence comes first. It is the source of potency for active existence. A man is not just what he makes himself: he is also what can become, through his own choices and anything that might change him – most definitely including the natural processes that bring an infant to maturity! As a result of this, I conclude that it is right and good to acknowledge and respect the personhood of any being who has the possibility of realizing a rational nature.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Almost there, to a break in the action after Friday night.


I took a final yesterday (actually more like a regular test)... the professor comes in and the TA's start handing out exams. I notice mine seems a little strange... the girl next to me says, "Is this the answer key?"

We ended up doing evaluations and waiting for him to reprint the exams without the answers printed on them.

Wow.


My worst final was today. It was pretty horrible.


Senior project, please finish on time! It will be close!!!

The presentation is this Friday.


Spent some time on break figuring out DotA, a Warcraft III game type.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Oh yeah, I took the shortcut for the first time in... I can't remember (years) this week. Yay! My walk to class is now reduced by almost one minute (of about eight)!
Construction made it unavailable until recently.


Why is it so hard to stay focused on work right now!? What's so different than the rest of the semester, when I was not nearly so compelled to waste time in escapist games and videos?
I have long thought of myself as strong against stress... maybe this is not the case?

Scrambling to get my work done.

Grades for my senior project are due on the 8th. There's no way I can finish by then.
I'm talking to the guy in charge of the course tomorrow, and probably one of the dean's to see what my options are.

Wanted to play Heroes II or III on my breaks, but I don't own III and I don't know where II is, so I played Dungeon Keeper instead. It is a very cool game.

Last NCAA fencing tournament was Saturday. It went very well and was quite fun, despite me getting 2.9 hours of sleep and getting physically exhausted really easily.

I WANT TO FINISH! LET THE MADNESS END!!